|
 |
MSc. Health Psychology
C.C.CERT.Relate. C&G 7407 Further Education
Diploma in Casework Supervision
E.M.D.R. Practitioner |
|
Specialising in relationships affected by Asperger Syndrome.
Individual, couple and family counselling.
Conference speeches, lectures & workshops.
Author of 'The Asperger Couple's Workbook', 'Aspergers in Love' and 'The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome'
|
|
|
BACKGROUND
|
|
Cassandra is a metaphorical term that has for many years been linked to the affect on a woman, loving and living with a partner who has undiagnosed or unaccepted Asperger syndrome. I do not know from whom the term originated, I do know why it was applied.
|
|
One of the reasons for the affect of Cassandra is due to 'not being believed'. Often women struggle for years and years with the knowledge that something more than personality clashes was responsible for the misunderstanding in the relationship and the feeling of being emotionally deprived. However when they tried to describe their relationship to friends or professionals they are often not believed and told their partner is 'just behaving like a man!'.
|
|
Although AfDD can affect anyone living in a relationship with a partner who has a low emotional quotient or Alexithymia, the name Cassandra has been specifically applied to those in relationships with a partner affected by Asperger syndrome.
|
|
Below is an extract taken from a description from Greek mythology telling the tale of Cassandra and Apollo.
|
|
CASSANDRA
|
Apollo fell in love with the mortal Cassandra, but cursed her after some small infringment of his rules. "This attraction of opposites seems to exert a magnetic pull, when -like the God who loved Cassandra- an Apollo man is drawn towards a psychic woman who is emotional, irrational, impractical, and often unimpressed with him. He finds her fascinating, frustrating, and unpredictable. Many Apollo men are drawn to such women whom they try and control."
"The woman who rejects the handsome, virtuous, dependable Apollo man usually does so because he lacks qualities that are essential for her, such as depth and intensity, or emotional closeness, or sexual sponteneity... Apollo men are rejected by women who want a deeper bond, with more intensity and emotional expressiveness, than he can provide. The integrity in which an Apollo man may live out his precepts or live up to his agreements draw admiration and respect, rather than love or passion. Women who are aware of these priorities will not choose him to begin with, or, on discovering what is lacking, may reject him as a lover."
Apollo punished Cassandra, to whom he had given the gift of seeing into the future, by decreeing that she would never be believed. This punishment was both creative and cruel, especially because she could forsee a series of tragedies she was helpless to avert. She suffered doubly, anticipating what she knew was coming, and then living through it."
|
|
APOLLO
|
Apollo was the Greek God of detached observation and intellectual elucidation, a personality trait having similarities with the cognitive style of those with alexithymia. In classical myth Apollo is considered the antithesis of Dionysus, the God of emotional expressiveness.
According to Clinical Professor of Psychiatry Jean Shinoda-Bolen, "Individuals who resemble Apollo have difficulties that are related to emotional distance, such as communication problems, and the inability to be intimate... It is paradoxical that the God of clarity, and the man who can speak so precisely and clearly about an impersonal subject is so sparing of words about feelings and so obscure and difficult to interpret when he does say something about himself.... Rapport with another person is hard for the Apollo man. He prefers to access (or judge) the situation or the person from a distance, not knowing that he must "get close up" - be vulnerable and empathic - in order to truly know someone else.... Objectively, the woman who is married to an Apollo man may appear to have little to complain about. He's even-tempered, dependable, and faithful, and he probably even pitches in and helps around the house when he's there. People think well of him; he's probably successful in their eyes, and a good man. Many women married to Apollos consider themselves fortunate indeed. But if the woman wants a deeper, more personal relationship, then there are difficulties. She may complain of loneliness because he is emotionally distant ... [and] if she wants more spontaneity or passion, this man cannot provide it. A woman married to an Apollo man may find herself becoming more and more like him if she follows his lead, especially if she too values thinking over feeling.... But just the opposite can occur if she is someone who laughs and cries easily and is often emotional and expressive of her feelings.... She may become increasingly irrational or hysterical as he withdraws further. Her efforts are provocative and usually unsuccessful. She is trying to get him to react emotionally, by her tears or her anger, her threats or accusations. But all that results is that he gets more cool and rational and draws further away, and she becomes increasingly out of control."
|
|
